Friday, July 16, 2010


I got the theme for this subject after being slobbered on for the umpteenth million time this morning by three German Shepherds running around the house like maniacs! One has a chewed up bone hanging out her mouth that can no longer be distinguished as having ever belonged to any creature walking on this earth. The other one is trying to figure out how she’s going to get that “treasure” from her sister’s mouth. And the third one drops a limp, lifeless saliva encrusted stuffed toy on my lap. In between, they stop, gulp some water, come back to decorate my bare arms with their drool, smell my clothes, scratch their pleasingly plump bodies next to me assuring that some more stray hairs land on my keyboard. And the “Dog Whisperer” tells us to remain calm and assertive. I throw calm out the window and in my most assertive voice, yell (scream) “I’ve had enough.” I still can’t figure out how they can stand there with those “cow brown eyes” wagging their tail loving me anyway when two of them are shown the back door!

In the morning one likes to drink their cup of coffee, relax, open up their e-mails or look at the morning newspaper. If you’re a writer and anything like I am, I need and demand “quiet!” I can’t concentrate otherwise. I think my Amber must think I’m nuts sometimes because she’s the whining (I need lots of attention) type of dog. She lives in the house all day with me and many a time she is told to go to her bed when she’s in one of her “demanding” moods. She knows what I mean too because after a little fuss, I point the finger towards the other room and tell her to get into her bed.

So these are just some of the fun reasons why I “love” owning a German Shepherd. I wonder what my life would be like without them. Now let me think about this…..

I’d be wealthier for one thing. No more buying Holistic or natural food. No more looking for the meat bargains at the supper market to add to their diet. Oh yeah, no more buying a special supplement to add to their food. No more vet bills. No grooming bills. No more buying grooming supplies. There would be no need for a dog run in my yard. There would be no dog houses. No kiddie’s pools. No expensive dog toys. No more worn out bones to decorate my living room rug. There would be no need to upgrade my car to a van. No need to invest any money for cushy dog beds to line the corners of my den. No need to buy an industrial strength vacuum cleaner to pick up your never ending dog hair!

I would no longer have the need to call one of those dog handlers to show my dog at the local specialty club. No spending money on entry fees. No traveling expenses. I wouldn’t have to stay at one of those “Super 8” motels anymore. No more eating those shriveled up hot dogs that they pass off as food at the shows. Oh yeah, no more having my dog grab the rest of that hot dog when my head is turned talking to Gertrude who stops to have a chat.

No more stud fees. No more shipping my bitch across the country. No more x-rays to see how many little darlings we can expect. No spending money on the OFA for my dog’s hips and elbows. No buying a whelping box. No puppy food and supplements. No worming medicines. No need to buy any dog crates. Oh yes, and no more dealing with annoying puppy people!!!!!!!!!!

No more planning my vacation around the National Specialty show. I mean who wants to go to “Anyplace, USA” in some cow pasture when I could be lying on the pink sands of Tahiti instead?

Gee after looking at these last few paragraphs, I feel richer already! So if money is no problem for you, let’s take a look at all the other things you’d miss without a German Shepherd Dog in your life.

There would be no need to wrestle a dog to the floor to clip their nails. There wouldn’t even be a reason for me to buy those “tasty” dog treats to bribe them with to do their nails in the first place. There wouldn’t be one single dog hair on my floors, my clothes, my computer, my car or any other place for that matter. They’d be no more muddy footprints decorating my floors. No more doggies breathe. Just think, no more doggie aroma assaulting my nostrils!

There would be no more jumping up on the counters, the stove, the table top or any other place that a food morsel may have been left behind. No more smudges on the sliding glass door or the living room window. My windows in my car would be free from this assault as well. No nudging me while I’m cooking dinner hoping I’ll share a piece of whatever it is smelling so “gosh darn good!” No more following me into the bathroom or hearing you scrape at the door if I close it in your nosy little face.

There would be no more cleaning up soiled dog runs. No more bleach splashing on my once dark pants. No more looking like a rag woman because I’m too tired to go to the beauty parlor after taking care of you all day. No more brushing your coat to make you look pretty. Now I’ll brush my hair to make me look pretty.

No more nose up my butt. No more tripping over you because when I turn around…..there you are! No more breaking my ankles on you scattered toys all over the house. No more listening to you snoring. No more sharing my favorite pillow with you. No more opening the back door telling you to be quiet with your unwelcome barking. No more interruptions from you while I’m talking on the telephone. Finally I could get an insurance company that wouldn’t hang up on me when he asks me what breed of dog I have.

Oh yes, life is beginning to feel simpler and better already. Yes sir, there’s more money in my pocket. I’ve got a cleaner house and a cleaner car. No more yellow stains on my lawn. You betcha’ life is good……..richer, but really poorer. Cleaner……but who cares anyway? Oh yeah and a whole lot lonelier! No more “laugh out loud” silly moments. No more unconditional love. No more loyal companion by my side. Oh no is that somebody trying to break in my cleaner bigger house? He’s after all my riches! Where is that darn dog when I need him anyway? I forgot I chose not have a dog in my life anymore!

My rating: owning a German Shepherd Dog: (4), not owning any pets: (1)


  1. Barbara: If no one has told you lately you are an excellent writer who captures the very essence and nature of the GSD. Appreciate your insightful and humorous writing skills.
    What you say is true and right on target. I couldn't live without our two GSD's who just now happen to come over and knock my hand while I write this looking for attention. One licks my hand the other knocks it up in the air. I get it right as I always seem to type it several times.

  2. Oh Bruce, you're just too kind! Yup, my three rascals are back in too as I'm writing this. I can't even begin to tell you how many times a day I wash my hands AND arms from their slobber! It never ends. It's like they don't see me sitting here, so they got to come over and smell me just to make sure!!! This is exactly the reason I never wanted a Bull Dog or Boxer!!!!!