Several years ago I wrote this little spoof. I've just re-tweaked it and added a little more to it and changed the ending. I got a chuckle out of writing it. I hope you enjoy it.
IN THE BEGINNING
Barbara J. Galasso
In the beginning, God created woman and he called her Eve and all was well. Or so he thought…..
One day God came to visit our little Ms. Eve in the Garden of Eden to see how she was doing. “So Eve dear, how do you like your garden which I planted for you with yellow buttercups, orange tulips and beautiful blue irises?” “Oh it’s alright I suppose,” Eve answers unthankfully, but I was hoping for a garden of red roses instead. God replaces her garden with weeds.
The next day the Lord returns to see if Eve is in any better spirits. He asks her how she likes the abundant amount of fresh fruits and vegetables he has bestowed upon her. “Well to tell you the truth, I was so hoping for a surf and turf dinner,” the ungrateful Ms. Eve replies. Poof……all the fresh fruit and vegetables are gone except for a lone apple on a tree with a serpent slithering close by.
Now on the third day, the Lord being of a kind and generous spirit decides to give our little resident in the Garden of Eden one last chance to show her gratefulness. “So Eve, how are we doing today?” his patient voice asks. “I’m lonely. That’s how I’m doing today,” an agitated Eve answers. “All I have are these wooly lambs, and fat piglets, and those scaly fish in that pond over there to keep me company.” “Well what would you like instead to keep you company Eve?” the Lord asks. Eve rests her head on her chin and says, “Hmm, I’ve been giving this some thought. I need someone to listen to me when I tell him my problems. You know someone who won’t judge me. I want him to be smart, but not smarter than me. He must be obedient and trustworthy. He must help me keep these gardens and grass clean. He needs to share the work load around here! The Lord rolls his eyes and wonders if bringing woman in to the world first was a good idea after all. Eve’s eyes light up and she says, “I know what I need. I need a partner to share the Garden of Eden with.” Just then the winds begin to kick up as the tree tops sway to and fro. A storm is brewing on the horizon. There’s a rustling in the bushes. Eve turns around to see what’s making all that noise and out trots a German Shepherd Dog with his tail wagging and his tongue sticking out of his mouth making him look goofy. The Lord sees a look of bewilderment come over Eve’s face. “What is that?” Eve asks totally shocked. As the Lord begins to walk away, he says to her, “Well you wanted a companion who was obedient and trustworthy. You wanted someone to share your work load with. He’ll listen to all your problems and he’ll never judge you. With that, the dog lets out a big bark as if in agreement. Startled, Eve jumps back away from the intruding animal. “Sometimes I don’t send you what you ask for Eve, but instead what you need.” Before she can answer him, he disappears in the clouds.
Confident that Eve has nothing more to complain about, the Lord returns to the Garden of Eden the next day looking forward to hearing positive things. “Well my dear, I trust all is well with you today” he says as he strokes the head of the affectionate dog that comes to greet him. “All is not well,” the grumpy Eve says. That horrible beast herded all the sheep to the next pasture and they never came back. Then he ate all the piglets and afterwards went in to the pond with the smelly fish and now he stinks. He’s left his smelly droppings all over my lovely lawn and lifted his leg on my beautiful fragrant flowers. And he lay down next to me all night long breathing in my face with his hot breath never leaving my side. He is definitely not what I wanted when I asked for a companion.” The Lord decides it is time to teach Eve a lesson. With that, the skies open wide with a loud clap of thunder. Something falls from the sky and lands over on the sandy shore by the pond. Eve runs over to investigate the object laying there. All of a sudden it moves. It turns over and scratching his head, looks up at her and says, “Gee, I didn’t know you were going to be so chubby. Oh well woman, your man’s home and what’s for supper and where are my slippers?” The dog upon seeing the man wags his tail enthusiastically and lets out a loud welcoming bark. Just then the snake who was observing all this from that infamous tree moves out on the branch so Eve can see him. Eve raises an eyebrow and gives the dog a dirty look and turns an evil eye to the man. She says to him with all the sarcasm she can muster, “You’re hungry, are you? How about a nice Shepherd’s pie for supper?” she says, once again looking over at the dog. The dog whimpers and puts his ears back lowering himself on the ground next to the man. Eve stands there with her hands on her hips wondering what she ever did to deserve these two. “Well let me see what I can offer you to eat,” Eve says moving closer to the tree that harbors the sleazy little serpent and “that” apple. Because of the dog’s devotion to Adam, he tries to trip the man as the man eagerly runs to the seductive Ms. Eve who’s dangling the ruby red apple from her dainty little hand. And as they say, the rest is history. And so God truly made the German Shepherd to be man’s best friend because he saw that man couldn’t take care of himself as was evident in the Garden of Eden. Try as he may, through the ages the German Shepherd dog has tried to lead the blind men of this world away from the seductive daughters and granddaughters of Eve. And as for little Ms. Eve, well she knew that God created woman to bring to man trouble so the German Shepherd could fulfill his destiny. After all, she didn’t want to interfere in God’s plans for his creations. Women are thoughtful like that! And God was pleased.
NO PART OF THIS STORY MAY BE REPRODUCED OR USED WITHOUT PERMISSION FROM THE AUTHOR!
Taken from the book: "James Herriot's Dog Stories: Warm and Wonderful Stories About the Animals Herriot Love's Best".....Readers of Herriot's four classics and viewers of the PBS series will recognize many of these stories, which will still bring a smile or a tear to the eyes of dog lovers. Each of the 50 stories is preceded by a pen-and-ink sketch. Following each story, there are one or two paragraphs of Herriot's philosophy, outlook on life, and reminiscences about the dogs he has known. In these accounts he illustrates the various reactions of the dogs to the vet who treats them, thus providing the psychological side of animal doctoring. Especially interesting and enlightening are the descriptions of treatments given in the '30s as compared to what research has put into the hands of today's vet. A good choice for dog lovers.
My rating: Be careful what you ask for: (4)