I wrote some of this a few years ago with a different title. Today I deleted some of it and added some other things to it. This piece is light and doesn't take itself too seriously.
DOG SHOW TERMINOLOGY (total and complete satire)
Barbara J. Galasso
Breeding 1-10 years...... Associates Degree in "Thinks he knows it all!"
Breeding 10-20 years.....Bachelors Degree in "Probably knows it all!"
Breeding 20-30 years.....Masters Degree in "Definitely knows it all!"
Breeding 30-40 years.....Ph.D. Degree in "Wondering if this is all there really is to know?"
One sport/hobby where more time and energy is put in to the dog being better groomed and polished than the owner.
Wined, dined, bought off, told off…………. Gets no respect. Damned if he does/damned if he doesn’t. If he puts your dog up, he’s the greatest thing since sliced bread. If he doesn’t put your dog up, he’s the biggest idiot that ever stepped inside a dog ring!
The only “JOB” where the “Employee” gets more respect than the “Employer!”
HANDLER DECIDING WHICH CLIENT TO SHOW FOR AT THE NATIONAL:
Client # 1 offers: trip to Hawaii
Client # 2 offers: Rolex watch
Client # 3 offers: new car
Client # 4 offers: $10,000 bonus
Client # 5 offers: the usual handling fee and expenses and a $100 bonus.
If you think that the handler choose client 1-4, you’re Luke warm. If you think he decided to handle for poor slob Client #5, which planet are you living on? Seems the handler renegotiated his contract. While cruising in his new convertible in sunny Hawaii, he checks his Rolex watch and decides to give his financial adviser a call to discuss where best to invest his $10,000 bonus while somewhere else in the United States, a mediocre but very expensive Grand Victor was recently crowned.
The only time you can see adults return to their “Inner Child” by running around in circles, squeaking toys, blowing whistles, ringing bells and running in to one another while making a total fool of themselves and no one has them committed.
SHOW PUPPY PROSPECT:
The only time a consumer pays top money for something that’s has a “possibility” of turning out special rather than an expectation of it being so. Imagine buying a new house or a car with this kind of thinking, “I have no expectation of this being anything other than a “possibility” of something special.”
CHAMPION: This is some people’s only real “claim to fame” in life. You would think that they just gave birth to it. Some of them walk around with the dog like he’s some sort of ornament or expensive designer bag hanging off of their arm.
STUD DOG: This is the dog that is getting more “action” than the owner of the house and getting paid for it!
BITCH: At a dog show this is the only place where there are more bitches outside the ring than in it!
DOG SHOWS: Where like minded people gather. Some may be people that haven’t talked to one another for years but all of a sudden they’re like one another’s best friends. They see you. They grin from ear to ear. Kiss, kiss on the cheek. Hug, hug, glad tidings are exchanged……”Here sit down next to me. Oh, what a lovely looking dog you’ve got there.” Laughter can be heard all around the ring. People are enjoying themselves. Then the show is over. People get up to leave. Promises of “I’ll call you” are the last words they hear as they gather their belongings and get in the car waving good-bye to one another. Driving down the road the passenger turns to the driver and says, “Did you get a load of that one? Why I wouldn’t be seen dead with a dog that looked like the one she had.” How soon they forget the well-wishes exchanged only hours ago when they are once again “out of sight, out of mind!”
GOOD SPORTSMANSHIP: What’s that? At a dog show? "You got to be kidding me! You expect me to congratulate you when your dog just beat mine? Let's get real. What planet are you from anyway?”
DOG FOOD: Where owners spend more time reading the labels on the side of a bag of dog food than the ingredient label of the potato chips that they’re shoving down their own throats.
DOG SUPPLEMENTS: This is when one breeder is explaining to another breeder the significance of using the $100 supplement she uses on her dogs because it’s better for their health than the one her friend is using while she herself is puffing away and chocking on her second pack of cigarettes for the day.
DOG GROOMING SUPPLIES: The dog is bathed with $30 shampoos and conditioners and looks like a million bucks. His owner on the other hand spends $1.50 for the store’s genetic brand to wash her own lifeless dull looking hair.
GERMAN SHEPHERD DOG CLUB OF AMERICA NATIONAL SPECIALTY:
Where pockets are filled with money upon arriving and nary a penny can be found upon leaving.
AKC - AMERICAN KENNEL CLUB - (stands for):
ACTIVELY KNOWN COLLECTOR of funds.
PARENT CLUB ELECTION TIME:
The only time the “so called big shot” will talk to you is when he’s running for office and looking for your vote. He promises you the moon if you vote for him. He sells it. You buy it. And at the end of his two year term, he’s no closer to keeping his promises than you are to getting to the moon!
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* Totally natural pet care, 100-percent bio-degradable and cruelty free
* Soap-free shampoo
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My rating: Having a good sense of humor when raising and showing dogs: (4)