SIGNS THAT YOU’RE ADDICTED TO DOGS:
Prefer the company of dogs to people.
Dogs share your bed so there’s no room for your “significant other.”
Vacations are planned around the German Shepherd Dog National Specialty show.
Dog crates are used as end tables in your house.
You take out a second mortgage just so you can hire a professional dog handler.
Your dog has more grooming supplies to make his coat look shiny than you have hair care products for yourself.
Your dog eats holistic food while you eat preservative loaded frozen dinners.
Instead of driving around in that shiny new red sports car like your neighbor drives, you drive a van with your kennel name plastered on the doors.
Your friend’s kids are no longer allowed in your house because they told their parents that every other word out of your mouth is “bitch.”
You can’t use the bathroom without a few 85 lb. dogs squeezing their bodies through the door.
You feed the dogs BEFORE you feed your family.
Your walls are covered with your dog’s pictures instead of some fine art painting for people to admire.
Your garage is filled with grooming tables, crates, and bags of dog food while your car stays outside in the snow.
Your freezer is filled to the brim with chicken legs, livers, hearts and backs for the dog’s to be fed their “raw diet” instead of roasts you could be serving your family.
Your coffee table is cluttered with dog magazines instead of “Better Homes and Gardens.”
You own more sweat pants than dress pants.
Your “in box” on your computer is overflowing with e-mails from your doggie lists so you missed the e-mail from your Aunt Gertrude inviting you to Sunday dinner.
You remember the name of the President of the German Shepherd Dog Club of America, but you forgot the name of the President of the United States.
12 Step Program to help with your addiction to dogs:
1) We admitted we were powerless over our dog addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable because of our need to live and breathe dogs 24 hours a day.
2) Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity so we could learn to be with our non-doggie friends again without bringing up the subject of dogs.
3) Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God and not question why he made the dog a companion to man and why we desired their company more than the human species.
4) Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves and made a conscious decision to give our spouse’s at least half as much attention as our dogs.
5) Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs and made a vow to “suck it up” and TRY to treat some people HALF as well as our dogs if this is really what we had to do.
6) Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character but then gave it a second thought and changed out minds.
7) Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings and we would TRY to spend as much money on the kids as we do on the dogs.
8) Made a list of all persons we had harmed because we were bored to tears about them talking about their kids and their families, and became willing to make amends to them by promising NOT TO INVITE them over to our house anymore.
9) Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would mean I would have to hang out with them or go to their stuffy parties.
10) Continued to take personal inventory and when THEY voiced their opinions that a “dog is just a dog” vowed to curse under my breathe instead of out loud.
11) Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying for the patience to deal with non-doggie people who made comments that our house smelled funny and to hold back the impulse to knock them out!
12) Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other “dog addicted people” but decided to leave them along because we liked them just the way that they are because they were just like us.
We’ve come to realize that no matter how often we TRY to practice this 12 step program that we are hopelessly and delightfully addicted to dogs. We acknowledge and accept that it is out of our power to change our addiction to dogs. So therefore, we learned to embrace and love ourselves just the way we are!
My rating: it’s good to laugh at ourselves once in awhile: (4)