Tuesday, February 2, 2010


Periodically I get requests to post some of my articles I wrote in the past.  The most requested ones are this one, “The Human Being Standard” and my “Fred and Wilma” series.  So to break up some of the seriousness of some of my articles here’s one that is more lighthearted and is most definitely a spoof.  

THE HUMAN BEING STANDARD – By – Barbara J. Galasso
Of course, as in our German Shepherd Dog Standard and depending upon who is judging on any given day, it is left open to interpretation as to what signifies a good or ideal Human Being.  Some judges must have a good front, others insist upon a great rear, while still others temperament reigns supreme and without it, you won't win under them.  So just what does the ideal Human Being Standard call for and what does it take to be a "winner"?

GENERAL APPEARANCE:  The first impression of an ideal human being is one who is well muscled rather than flabby, alert rather than half dead, taller rather than wider, a hard, lean working machine, secondary sex characteristics are pronounced.  If male - we're talking here - Harrison Ford, Richard Gere, and Brad Pitt.  If female - as close to Halle Berry, Angelina Jolie or Shania Twain as you can get. 

SIZE, SUBSTANCE:  The desired height for males is 6 feet and above from the top of his head to the tip of his toes.  For females, the desired height is anywhere in between as long as she looks like the aforementioned ideal woman from those above.  Size and substance should give you the impression of one who is not too round, no pot bellies, no sagging flesh.

HEAD:  Males should be masculine and strong with a chiseled bone structure although if all other things are equal, then even a little coarseness is okay there........it kind of adds to his masculinity.  The model look with furrowed brow is only to be considered a minor fault and shouldn't be too heavily penalized.  Females should have high cheek bones, arched brows, almond shaped eyes, full mouth not enhanced by collagen injections, with a clear, flawless, blemish free complexion.  A few stray whiskers on a male is acceptable, but a disqualification on a female. 

TEETH:  Most any number is acceptable as long as they're your own.  No dentures please.  No missing teeth in front or sides of mouth that can be viewed when you smile.  Anyone who has had teeth replaced with a gold or silver tooth that can be seen when they smile shouldn't smile at all or suffer the penalty of being put to the end of the class.

NECK, TOPLINE, BODY:  The neck is long and lean and swan like.  Any folds of skin, wrinkles, creepiness, or age spots are undesirable.  Goose necks, overly pronounced Adams apples and sunken in hollows at the bottom of the neck are all major faults and should be dealt with accordingly.  The body should be well toned, not spongy or flabby and be willing to perform for what it was bred for:  having and rearing children, car pooling, mowing the lawn, feeding and picking up after the dog, channel surfing, cooking dinners, washing dishes, scrubbing the floor, tolerating the in-laws and crabby neighbors, all done behind a smiling face no matter what's going on inside your head and what you are really thinking.  None of these thoughts should be expressed because depending upon the judge can be considered a major fault and cause for disqualification.

TOPLINE:  The ideal human being is to stand upright, no rounding of shoulders, no crouching over when walking, or holding the hip area when in motion.  The top line should be smooth without any bumps, or humps, and curvy rather than angular.

ABDOMEN:  As called for in the German Shepherd Dog standard - firmly held and not paunchy.  For males: a six pack iron stomach.  For females:  an iron board abdomen is the only one acceptable.  Any rolls, or hanging flesh is a disqualification. 

HINDQUARTERS, TAIL & CROUP:  The ideal hindquarter, tail end and croup for both males and females are "bootilicious".  Any flat, drooping or dimpled rears is considered a serious fault. 

FOREQUARTERS & CHEST:  The shoulders should be held back with a proud posture.  For males, the chest should be deep and well filled out with bulging, rippled muscles.  For females, any chest size that is well filled in with no sagging is acceptable

FEET:  The ideal human being foot is small, well groomed and compact.  Any calluses, corns, long un-groomed toenails and offensive odors are room for immediate disqualification. 

GAIT:  For both males and females, the ideal gait is an athletic sprint.  Males should not have an exaggerated strut nor should females have an exaggerated swinging of the hips.  Any wobbling or shifting or hopping in their gait is considered a serious fault.  Suspicion of steroid use in either sex is cause for immediate disqualification. 

COAT:  (or in this case HAIR):  For males, hair can be any color of black, brown, blonde, or salt & pepper.  Any baldness is undesirable, but will be considered secondary if all other things are of superior quality.  Any pony tails, or hair hanging below the ears is considered a long coat and although not a disqualification, considered a minor fault.  For females, hair can be any color of black, brown, blonde, or salt & pepper.  For females all hair length is acceptable, although in her case, long is most desirable and not considered a long coat. 

TEMPERAMENT:  The human being should be approachable at all times under all circumstances.  Any signs of aggressiveness, foul mouth, crankiness, ill tempered, sarcastic, back stabbing, gossiping, jealousy, holding back of affection, yelling & screaming, moodiness, lying, stealing and down right a pain in the butt to live with is all considered disqualifications and SHOULD be removed from the ring.  Any person attempting to bite the judge after they lose the first place ribbon is banned from every being shown again. 

PRICE FOR A HUMAN BEING:  PET QUALITY:  good companion follows you around like your shadow.  Nice to have around and sometimes you don't mind being seen with them - Cost:   a buck fifty. OBEDIENCE QUALITY:  Proud to be seen with them.  They are at your beck and call bringing you your slippers, having your dinner on the table when you come home, but can become boring because they don't have a will of their own because they're always doing your will:  tough call, to some worth their weight in gold, to others who are bored with them - Cost:  a buck fifty and up.  SHOW QUALITY:  if they have all of the mentioned qualities that was described in the Head, Body, and Temperament section of this standard then,  hock everything you own, get a second mortgage, do what ever it takes to have one of these creatures hanging off your arm - Cost:  we're talking big money here folks, the house the car, the pool - $$$$$$$$!!!!!!!! BREEDING QUALITY:  these are the most fun to have because you constantly get a chance and the FUN to try and produce the Show Quality.  And you can keep doing it until you get it right and produce that Star.   But of course by the time you do produce and condition this Star your funds are so exhausted trying to hold on to this Show Quality human being that you decide it's better to stick with the Pet or Obedience quality human being - Cost:  minus, in the black, bankrupt!  ALL OTHER QUALITIY HUMAN BEINGS:  take it in the back yard and shoot it!!!!!!

My rating:  spoofs, easy reading material:  (4)

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